Wow, it's really hard to gather my thoughts when it's been a month and a half since I last wrote. I love writing. It's a release.
It's been a while since my last written confession, which is what most of my blogs are, because I have taken a fast from MySpace and Facebook. I am fasting because I was obssessing over this guy that I know I'm not right for. Sounds juvenile, right? Maybe it is, but it's very injuvenile to recognize my problem, much less extract myself from that obsession. We'll just pray for it, won't we?
For those that do not read my writings often, I am a Christian. I love the Lord and I love talking about him, to Him, on occasion for Him. Things like this, reading blogs, are the best way to get to know me. My spirituality is the most important thing about me and it's the forefront of my thoughts 98% of the time. That's why the title of my blog is "In Excelsis Deo" , which is latin for "to God in the Highest". To me, I want these blogs to be the highest praise to the Lord. I want these to glorify him in a way that will make angels sing, make his saints think upon him, and lead the lost to find the Most High. I pray that those words would be my anthem day in and day out.
The second most important thing about me is mi familia. There are tons of us. There are lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents that I can't live without, and of course my ever-wonderful married-after-23-years parents and my incredibly blessed brother and his cute cute girlfriend. One gimongous happy family. I'm not so sure I would be the lovely person you read before you without such incredible people surrounding my entire life.
The thing that blesses me most about my family is that everyone in it is a Christian. All the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and the other three in the immediate. Everywhere I go, no matter who's house I'm at, I am in the loving fold of the robe of Most High God.
The third most important thing about me are my friends. I have two incredible best friends, and one friend that I kept close for 15 years, of which we have recently and mutually ended the friendship (which is a WHOLE different ballgame). My two current friends, a dude and a chick, Cody and Jess, are amazing. I wish I had a less cliche word for amazing. They are truly two of the most spiritual people I have ever met and they are my role models.
The fourth most important thing about my is my job. I love what I do. I work in accounting for a company called Lawhorn & Co. We do accounting for churches and non-profits. The more I perform the duties my job calls for, the more I love what I do.
So this is pretty much me. Of course, being a woman, I am a great configuration of emotions, feelings, thoughts, rationalisms, irrationalism - a complexity few come to understand. I am sure that if you decide to keep reading, you will discover all the facets, knooks, and crannies to me.
My name is Amanda and I write to inspire.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Relationship Rant (Vol. 1)
In the neverending quest for balance in one's life, one tends to forget on whom they step in order to get to that existential plane of peace. In my case, I stepped on my best friend. I can honestly say that I don't regret that particular friend-smooshing session. She was the one person that I could love and loathe at the same time. She knew me better than anyone else, and I knew her better than anyone else. Here's the thing : she was a taker. I believe that balanced relationships are NOT 50:50. I believe they are 100:100. You put 100% of yourself into that relationship, give all that you have, and the relationship will work being centered on Christ. She did nothing of the sort.
Jane- we'll call her- and I have known each other for sixteen years. Her mother taught my four-year-old preschool class, in which her brother attended also. We didn't actually become friends until she was in the 2nd grade, and I in the 1st.
I could never quite figure out why I remembered this instant in time, but then I realized that this was the point where she and I started to become little buddies. As I said before, we attended daycare together, and later afterschool care in the same program. One afternoon, Miss Sam came to pick us up at school in the daycare van. I got in the van first, and Jane came in behind me. She passed my seat and paused, I said coldly "Don't sit by me!!". This was refuted and made to be apologized for my Mrs. Sam. So I did, I felt bad, we talked, and had been talking ever since.
Okay, lemme 'splain. This girl was no ordinary friend. She was the taker. I was the one with emotional stability, she was the one with issues (none of which had anything to do with me). I was the one with patience, she was the one that liked to blame every hardship she went through on something other than herself. I was comfortable with other people, she would ostrasize herself and then whine that no one payed attention to her and that she didn't fit in. She was ostensibly deffensive and mean to people because somewhere along the line someone was mean to her and after a while she believed them, thus leading to her covering up her insecurities by pointing them out in other people. All of her issues were internal. She never talked about them, never even let the therapist "in" to help solve her problems. Now that you have a clear picture of the kind of things I went through for fifteen years, let me tell you the REAL problem. The core of it is that she has no respect for herself. That's why she's mean to people, that's why she's still mooching off her parents, that's why therapy never helped. I can't possibly make up someone's self-worth. One can't depend on other people to define who one is. Everytime she would go depressive on me, it would take a chunk of my heart. She took and took until there was nothing left to take.
To be continued....
Jane- we'll call her- and I have known each other for sixteen years. Her mother taught my four-year-old preschool class, in which her brother attended also. We didn't actually become friends until she was in the 2nd grade, and I in the 1st.
I could never quite figure out why I remembered this instant in time, but then I realized that this was the point where she and I started to become little buddies. As I said before, we attended daycare together, and later afterschool care in the same program. One afternoon, Miss Sam came to pick us up at school in the daycare van. I got in the van first, and Jane came in behind me. She passed my seat and paused, I said coldly "Don't sit by me!!". This was refuted and made to be apologized for my Mrs. Sam. So I did, I felt bad, we talked, and had been talking ever since.
Okay, lemme 'splain. This girl was no ordinary friend. She was the taker. I was the one with emotional stability, she was the one with issues (none of which had anything to do with me). I was the one with patience, she was the one that liked to blame every hardship she went through on something other than herself. I was comfortable with other people, she would ostrasize herself and then whine that no one payed attention to her and that she didn't fit in. She was ostensibly deffensive and mean to people because somewhere along the line someone was mean to her and after a while she believed them, thus leading to her covering up her insecurities by pointing them out in other people. All of her issues were internal. She never talked about them, never even let the therapist "in" to help solve her problems. Now that you have a clear picture of the kind of things I went through for fifteen years, let me tell you the REAL problem. The core of it is that she has no respect for herself. That's why she's mean to people, that's why she's still mooching off her parents, that's why therapy never helped. I can't possibly make up someone's self-worth. One can't depend on other people to define who one is. Everytime she would go depressive on me, it would take a chunk of my heart. She took and took until there was nothing left to take.
To be continued....
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