The Relationship Rant (Vol. 2)

When we last left our hero she was explaining what it's like to be friends with a "taker"........

This wasn't just any kind of "take". This was little things that amounted to draining of compassion and sympathy and eventually the need for healing in my own heart. For a long time I heard the expression "equally yoked". That means that, essentially, relationships are to be made with people that are on the same plane as you. Picture this: you're standing on a table. How hard would it be to pull someone up onto the table with you? How much easier would it be for them to pull you down off the table? The one on the table symbolizes me - stable emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. The one on the ground is Jane. She may have been stable in some ways, but we were most definately not on the same level. I tried my best to pull her up to me. I gave all I had and then some. After a 15 years of trying, pulling, trying my best with God's help to stabilize, I was pressed upon to let go.

It all started when Jane heard about this guy she knew that was getting married. This wasn't like in "When Harry Met Sally..." when Sally's ex didn't want to get married and now three months after ending their six-year relationship is marrying some random paralegal named Kimberly. This was, she and this guy went to the movies once (and that was IT) and now he's engaged. Big deal, right? Apparently. She IMed asked if she should wear her red dress to his wedding "if [she goes] at all". I said, "Sure, why not? Why wouldn't you want to go?" "I don't think I would be comfortable." Being the logical one, I replied, "Well I think you should go. I mean he was your friend. I would think he'd want to know you supported him." And then the paragraphs of telling-offage ensued. "Apparently you just don't get how much this hurts! I've already talked to Brooke about it, and she really helped me. You're not helping at all!!!" After which she immediately blocked me, so that she appeared to be offline. I knew better and that was fine that she blocked me, maybe she needed space, but the more I thought about it the madder I got.

Remember in the "Introduction" blog - I told you about my two best friends? I was talking to one of them, Cody, about all these problems I was having with trying to deal with Jane and her issues. The fact was, I know I am supposed to be all things to all people, but she could never be happy for me, she never talked about spiritual things with me (in fact she rolled her eyes at the very mention of God, especially when she was depressed), and I didn't know how much of it I could handle. At the moment, she was living in Knoxville, not working at the place that hired her because she "had" to be home on the weekends, and studying to do something with her life that she isn't suited for at all. Cody just looked at me and said, "You know, you're always telling me that I encourage you, and you're challenged by me spiritually. I mean, not to 'toot my own horn', but maybe it's time to reevaluate what you need in a friend. Maybe this would be what's best for Jane. Just pray about it..." Those words were like an arrow that ran straight through my completely drained and damaged heart. Suddenly I realized he was right, it was like a lightbulb lit in my brain - perhaps in my heart as well. But before I make any change in my life, I pray. I knew that Jane needed someone to stabilize her. I knew that I would feel guilty for a long time if I ended this relationship. But I also knew that I needed to be around people that I felt loved me and more importantly would let me love them in return.

I prayed for days on end about what to do. Finally I made up my mind. It was time to end this.

To be continued....

On a Rainy Day.

I love rainy days. Rain is cleansing, pure, untainted, redeeming, and good-smelling. I can think of two reasons why I love rainy days. First because things in nature always tend to remind me of God. He does the same thing to us when he saves us as when he sends rain to the earth. He cleanses, nourishes, redeems, and makes us whole. Second, is sheer nostalgia. When my brother and I were little, I remember a specific rainy day where two rainy-day-traditions were mixed, making a wonderful afternoon.
To get you to that point, we must go back a few years. When I was four, I attended a daycare at what is now my home church. It seems like everytime it rained we had Ravioli for lunch. So now, as one might expect, even at 21, I crave "rabbinolis" on rainy days. Also when I was a child, my brother and I had this video of one of our favorite books. You see, my Nana loved to read Dr. Seuss to us as children, so naturally, I grew up with a love for those quirky rhymes and made-up worlds. And on those rainy summer days, we always watched "Cat in the Hat". This particular video was a bit longer than your usual freeze-frame Dr. Seuss, and in my opinion, a better version because it had catchy songs.

So, back to this tradition-combining day, a pinnacle in my childhood - it was raining cats and dogs outside. My Mom, brother and I went to get groceries at FoodMax (which is now Pathway). Now, keep in mind that at the time, I was maybe 7 and my brother 5. It had been a long day for Mom, I'm sure. The two of us couldn't run off our energy because of the rain AND we're at the grocery store, which is the worst place to take your kids when they're hyper. Mom told us that if we were good, she would make us ravioli for lunch. Buddy, you better believe we were angels, to my memory.

It was still raining when we brought the groceries to the car. After an afternoon at FoodMax with hyper children, rain was really something mom didn't need. I can just see her heaving a sigh and rolling her eyes at us. We got home, and I remember helping her bring in the groceries and helping her put them up. This whole time my brother and I hadn't really fought all that much - an unusual thing for us in those days.

Then I had the idea - why don't we watch "Cat in the Hat" and eat our ravioli in the living room? So we begged Mom, and I sure she only relented so she could take a nap. That lunch was probably the best tasting lunch in the history of my childhood because I was warm, inside, enjoying myself, my brother, and my rabbinolis (with fruit-punch kool-aid of course). To this day, he and I both remember that rainy, rainy day and can think back and laugh, still being able to sing everyword to every song on that tape.

All that to say, enjoy the rain. Even if the clouds look dark you hate to get your feet wet, it's okay. Something good will happen to you and might forget it if all you're thinking about is seeing sunlight. Look forward to the clouds, because without them, life might be brighter and yet somehow dull.

my thoughts for today

1- how can a person work at a place for three months and do nothing? (A lady was fired [a very personable spunky lady that I liked] yesterday b/c she finished close to nothing in three months of working here...no one knew how little she did.)



2- I realize the therapeutic effect of beating the ground when one is frustrated. By this I mean gardening. I LOVE to be outside in the dirt, planting things, digging up rocks, and tilling with a garden claw. It is most definately a release. The best part about this release is the end result - a tapestry of foliage the Creator saw fit to spring forth from my physical rants.

3- I don't understand being a woman sometimes. How can I miss someone I barely know? Stupid estrogen - you aren't logical and you frustrate me...but without you, I'd be one ugly guy...haha.

Introduction

Wow, it's really hard to gather my thoughts when it's been a month and a half since I last wrote. I love writing. It's a release.
It's been a while since my last written confession, which is what most of my blogs are, because I have taken a fast from MySpace and Facebook. I am fasting because I was obssessing over this guy that I know I'm not right for. Sounds juvenile, right? Maybe it is, but it's very injuvenile to recognize my problem, much less extract myself from that obsession. We'll just pray for it, won't we?
For those that do not read my writings often, I am a Christian. I love the Lord and I love talking about him, to Him, on occasion for Him. Things like this, reading blogs, are the best way to get to know me. My spirituality is the most important thing about me and it's the forefront of my thoughts 98% of the time. That's why the title of my blog is "In Excelsis Deo" , which is latin for "to God in the Highest". To me, I want these blogs to be the highest praise to the Lord. I want these to glorify him in a way that will make angels sing, make his saints think upon him, and lead the lost to find the Most High. I pray that those words would be my anthem day in and day out.
The second most important thing about me is mi familia. There are tons of us. There are lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents that I can't live without, and of course my ever-wonderful married-after-23-years parents and my incredibly blessed brother and his cute cute girlfriend. One gimongous happy family. I'm not so sure I would be the lovely person you read before you without such incredible people surrounding my entire life.
The thing that blesses me most about my family is that everyone in it is a Christian. All the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and the other three in the immediate. Everywhere I go, no matter who's house I'm at, I am in the loving fold of the robe of Most High God.
The third most important thing about me are my friends. I have two incredible best friends, and one friend that I kept close for 15 years, of which we have recently and mutually ended the friendship (which is a WHOLE different ballgame). My two current friends, a dude and a chick, Cody and Jess, are amazing. I wish I had a less cliche word for amazing. They are truly two of the most spiritual people I have ever met and they are my role models.
The fourth most important thing about my is my job. I love what I do. I work in accounting for a company called Lawhorn & Co. We do accounting for churches and non-profits. The more I perform the duties my job calls for, the more I love what I do.

So this is pretty much me. Of course, being a woman, I am a great configuration of emotions, feelings, thoughts, rationalisms, irrationalism - a complexity few come to understand. I am sure that if you decide to keep reading, you will discover all the facets, knooks, and crannies to me.
My name is Amanda and I write to inspire.

The Relationship Rant (Vol. 1)

In the neverending quest for balance in one's life, one tends to forget on whom they step in order to get to that existential plane of peace. In my case, I stepped on my best friend. I can honestly say that I don't regret that particular friend-smooshing session. She was the one person that I could love and loathe at the same time. She knew me better than anyone else, and I knew her better than anyone else. Here's the thing : she was a taker. I believe that balanced relationships are NOT 50:50. I believe they are 100:100. You put 100% of yourself into that relationship, give all that you have, and the relationship will work being centered on Christ. She did nothing of the sort.


Jane- we'll call her- and I have known each other for sixteen years. Her mother taught my four-year-old preschool class, in which her brother attended also. We didn't actually become friends until she was in the 2nd grade, and I in the 1st.


I could never quite figure out why I remembered this instant in time, but then I realized that this was the point where she and I started to become little buddies. As I said before, we attended daycare together, and later afterschool care in the same program. One afternoon, Miss Sam came to pick us up at school in the daycare van. I got in the van first, and Jane came in behind me. She passed my seat and paused, I said coldly "Don't sit by me!!". This was refuted and made to be apologized for my Mrs. Sam. So I did, I felt bad, we talked, and had been talking ever since.

Okay, lemme 'splain. This girl was no ordinary friend. She was the taker. I was the one with emotional stability, she was the one with issues (none of which had anything to do with me). I was the one with patience, she was the one that liked to blame every hardship she went through on something other than herself. I was comfortable with other people, she would ostrasize herself and then whine that no one payed attention to her and that she didn't fit in. She was ostensibly deffensive and mean to people because somewhere along the line someone was mean to her and after a while she believed them, thus leading to her covering up her insecurities by pointing them out in other people. All of her issues were internal. She never talked about them, never even let the therapist "in" to help solve her problems. Now that you have a clear picture of the kind of things I went through for fifteen years, let me tell you the REAL problem. The core of it is that she has no respect for herself. That's why she's mean to people, that's why she's still mooching off her parents, that's why therapy never helped. I can't possibly make up someone's self-worth. One can't depend on other people to define who one is. Everytime she would go depressive on me, it would take a chunk of my heart. She took and took until there was nothing left to take.

To be continued....