Although I had prayed and prayed about what to do with this broken relationship, the last blow-up being no help, I had no idea how to really tell her how I felt. I didn't know how to end this relationship and prayed that God would handle it.
So the day this whole telling-offage occurred, I was pissed to say the least. My status on facebook read: "Amanda is pissed. You don't even want to get married! But go ahead, blame every hardship you go through on me. Just don't expect me to go to the pity party." Now, me personally, I vented and forgot about it. That is what I use blogs/status for. I vent, I'm a woman, that needs to happen unless my friends just ENJOY getting beat over the head with my emotions the moment I feel them. Like I said, I had forgotten about writing that, to be honest. I felt better and could focus on other things. By the end of the day, I had a message from Jane. The message read "Don't worry, you weren't invited [to the pity party] anyway. And while you're at it, why don't you go back to Carson-Newman and find your braincells. This is over - adios." (To explain: Carson-Newman is where I went to school my freshman year of college.)
And so the opportunity arises. Jane, being so sensitive, took my status seriously. Now was my chance to really tell her how I felt. I wrote her back, told her she was pretty much right, let's step back, reevaluate, and pray about where God would take us next. I communicated with her that I was going to take this seriously, I expected her to do the same. I told her I would always love her and always pray for her, we would just be casual friends. She responded and was surprised, I think. I don't think she was ready for me not to bend over backwards with apologies.
The more I prayed about it, the more I talked about this whole thing with Cody, the more I feel like the Lord led me to this place for a reason. Jane is free to let go. She is not dependant on me for her identity, in whatever way our relationship was crippling my walk with God that reason no longer exists, and I think both of us are better now because of it. I do not plan on mending that relationship, because I feel that we were divinely separated; that this is what God wants for our lives.
If you're reading: I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry if I seemed cold. Those days of laying on my bed talking about everything and anything weren't wasted, I promise. Those tea parties with Hannah meant the world to me. Your kindness and concern were greatly appreciated when Gramma died. I really did love those cucumber sandwiches, I love your grandparents, I still love your parents and will always think of them as my "other mom and dad". I miss the companionship we had. I knew that you were a staple in my life. You were always beside me. Thank you for 15 years of friendship. I pray the best for you and I hope your life takes you to a beautiful place. I know you'll be okay, even if it takes time.
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